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So I was watching Street Kings yesterday. God knows why. And – as usual - Keanu Reeves was annoying the shit out of me. Yes, he played bass with The Vandals for one gig. That’s pretty cool. But Keanu is a rather horrible actor. And the dude has a serious case of DFS (Dead Face Syndrome).

Which made me think about other actors with DFS. Here’s the list of the worst offenders that came to mind.

Steven Seagal
Have you ever seen Steven Seagal laugh in any of his movies? Has he ever used any other voice than the soft-spoken, somewhat hoarse, husky voice?  Seriously, this guy has no facial expressions. He actually got to see Erika Eleniak’s boobs very, very up close and personal in ‘Under Siege’. (Remember her? She was the cute and busty girl-next-door in ‘Baywatch', Playboy and your teenage dreams if you were born in the 80’s.) And yet … No reaction whatsoever. Jesus, Steven! Are you even human? Or are you saving up all that emotion for your next blues album? Yes, Steven. We listened to it. It’s not very good.  

Clint Eastwood
Honestly, I think  Steven Seagal watched too many Clint Eastwood movies. He tries to sound like Clint. He tries to squint like Clint and, just like Clint, his face hides every hint of emotions. Difference is, of course, Clint actually did some extremely awesome movies. In which his character really never required any emotion. The rugged cowboy, the badass cop, the stone-cold boxing coach. Wait, didn’t Clint cry in ‘Bridges of Madison County’? Not sure. But ugh, really, I’m not watching that movie again. Ever.  

John Wayne
Aah, the Duke. He’s dead now so DFS is pretty much a given. But even during his liveliest days, the Duke’s facial expressions seemed to be etched in stone. There are rumors that a sculptor once asked the Duke to smile so he could make a nice, friendly looking bust. “I am smiling, pardner”, replied Wayne, as he pointed to a small wrinkle in the corner of his eye. It’s alright, Dukester. If my parents would’ve called me Marion, I would’ve been devoid of emotion too.

Kristen Stewart
We are no sexists. Women can suffer from DFS too and Kristen Stewart is the perfect example. The biggest question is, though: was she utterly emotionless before making mind-numbing movies? Or did ‘Twilight’ and ‘On The Road’ and other utter crap kill every human feeling inside of her? Seriously, she made the feisty character of Joan Jett look like a bored milk carton with a death wish. Maybe she just needs a good f*cking from someone else than that glittery bloodsucker to get her going again. I’ll take one for the team, if need be.

Keanu Reeves
You name it, Keanu sucked at it. Lawyer, surfer, cop, IT-specialist, scientist … No stare has ever been as blank as Keanu’s. No voice has ever been devoid of credible intonation. No acting has ever been as wooden. Well, not since Pinocchio. The last real emotion we ever saw from Keanu, was the ‘Bill & Ted’-movies. Yeah, that first ‘The Matrix’ movie was good. The story was something special. Everything after that was just one long – very long – attempt at not cutting off my testicles and throwing them at the TV while yelling “SUCK MY BALLS, KEANU”. I still have my balls. But I haven’t watched ‘The Matrix’ since.