Features

- by Tom Dumarey

Just a couple of days ago, Masked Intruder released their third album, which they simply titled 'III'. That's because these guys don't have a lot of time left to think up clever album titles in between writing pop-punk anthems and committing petty theft. Speaking of petty theft, Intruder Blue was kind enough to come up with a list of his favorite items to steal.

TVs

For all of recorded history, the TV has been the center of the household. Back when we was kids, TVs were real heavy, so it was real hard to steal em. Now, they're super light and thin, which is awesome cause you can fit like 15 of 'em in the back of a van - maybe more. Thing is, TVs are also cheap now, so they may not be worth as much resale as they used to be, especially hot. But, doesn't matter, cause you can keep them! You thought it was cool when you had 2 TVs? Try 153. You could literally watch every episode of the Gillmore Girls, each on a different TV. Now THAT'S luxury.

Video Game Systems

With all those TVs, you know you gotta get you some video game action. Video games are hella popular these days, so you can hardly bust in a window without tripping over an Xbox 1 or whatever. Def grab whatever they got and sort it out later - there's no time to be fudging around with Mario Kart when you're on the job. Also, don't just grab the new stuff. We like to look out for vintage and especially rare stuff, like NeoGeos and shit. They're worth money, and they're fun to play on the big screens!

Jewelry

Jewelry is sparkly and pretty and just so satisfying to steal! Honestly, I don't really even care if it's real or costume jewelry, it's all just good, clean fun to score. But, the real stuff is definitely way more pawnable. If you're looking to get paid, go for real stuff. If you're just tryna get fancy and have some fun, grab whatever!

Cars

What can I say about stealing cars that hasn't already been said about a perfect day at the beach? It's fun, and it's good for the soul. Hot-wiring isn't easy, and it isn't always an option, but you'd be surprised how easy it is to come up with the keys to a car if you want it bad enough. Don't get too daring, though... Green once did a bit for going around a parking lot asking people at knife-point for the keys to the green Porsche parked at the back. Cops busted him handily, as he was out there for like 15-20 minutes. Luckily, the judge gave him a light sentence cause he felt bad for him, what with his monkey brains and all.

Hearts

You can't hotwire a heart, but you can bust your way into one if you got the right moves. We don't really, so we gotta use the music to sway the ladies. Our records are basically designed to try to get girls to decide that they like us now. So, if the records do their job, we should be heart-rich! Unless there's something about us that's creeping ladies out... Prolly not. Sup ladies!?!?

Snacks

Let's get serious for a second. Lack of snacks is a leading cause of bummers in the world today. Salty, crunchy, and delicious - snacks are pure joy. What could be better to steal than pure joy? It's for sure a dick move to empty the entire pantry, so we always leave some choice munchies so nobody starves. But, we will for sure take the lions share of that business. I mean, they had it up till now, and they didn't eat it. You snooze you lose!

Pizza

Speaking of munchies, pizza is a great stealable. Pizza delivery is so common nowadays, you don't even have to plan it out. You can just hang out and get the jump  on whatever comes by. We like to pull the old 'wait in the bushes for a pizza dude to come by, then run in, snatch up that good stuff, and keep on running!' Careful, though. One time Yellow mistook this Orkin truck for a pizza delivery vehicle. Ran up to the dude and saw he didn't have pizza, but dude was freaked and sprayed the hell out of him. I mean, he just got drenched in bug spray. It was nasty. Gotta hand it to dude, though. He was quick on the draw!!

Money

Duh. Right? Money is soooooo cool. More money is even cooler, so you gotta get it! Money can be traded in for basically any other kinda thing, so it's a great way to go when you're looking for stuff to steal. The best places to steal cash may not be what you think, though. For example, lots of times, people have a safe in their house, but don't have any cash in there. You're best bet is to focus on TVs and stuff in a house robbery situation, and get that money from commercial robbery. Banks are obvious, but dangerous. Restaurants got too many moving parts. Liquor stores are your Goldilocks zone. They always got drawers full of money, on account of people be drinking! They also got booze for you, but make sure not to drink too much while doing the robbery. Best to be quick, and minimize pee breaks. Oh, also, don't get shot. Lots of shop owners will for sure shoot. Try not to stay in those situations too long.

Credit Cards

Plastic is the gift that keeps on giving. It's like a genie that lets you wish for more wishes, honestly. You can shop till you drop, fill up the gas tank in your stollen whip, even order pizza. The best part is, you can totally sell credit cards too! Prolly shouldn't use them too much first, as the cardholder is likely to get wise and cancel that stuff. I find you can usually go out to eat a couple times, order maybe 3 Kirsten Dunst DVDs and still go on to sell it, but don't push it!

Nerd stuff

We always look out for any kinda nerdy stuff. Or, at least the kinds of nerdy stuff we like. Old horror movies on VHS, toys, trading cards, comics. You know - the kinda stuff manchildren obsess over in lieu of knowing the love of a woman. Love it. We all kinda have our own nerd spheres, but there's a lot of overlap too. Green and Yellow are both real into comics. Red always goes through all the board games to see what's good. He has this thing where he pulls all the "get our of jail free" cards from Monopoly games and saves them. We don't have the heart to tell him that shit don't work in real life.