Movie Reviews

Here’s a real turd of a movie produced by and featuring Steven Seagal. On the blu-ray cover it proudly says ‘from the makers of The Hurt Locker and Killer Joe’… what they forgot to add was ‘on an off day after a 3-day bender’. Or maybe these three movies shared a gaffer or a payroll accountant and those positions are considered as makers as well.

Seagal seems to have gained quite a few pounds since I last saw him in a movie (I think it was Under Siege 2) but he still likes to throw his weight around. Sorry, couldn’t resist that one. What he doesn’t like to do is learn his script. Or even act. Hell, there is one scene where you can pretty much see him reading from the script on the floor! And when he’s not doing that, he’s mumbling his way through scenes. Since he plays a mob boss, it could be his best Marlon Brando impression or it could be that he is slightly retarded. It’s hard to tell. Also in this movie are Ving Rhames and Danny Trejo and both seem unsure about how they ended up there. Maybe they were drugged by Seagal’s mobster buddies and woke up on the set?

There is a story buried somewhere in this mess that poses as a movie but I sure as hell am not going to spend time explaining it. I’m actually not sure who this movie is made for. I mean, Seagal keeps making them so I guess someone is actually spending money on these pieces of shit. Who are you people? Mail me! I’d like to get to know you.